scratch the other blog entry

I am soooo annoyed... for those of you who know about Bailey... ;)

So anyway... I gave her up. I gave her up right after the day I told myself I'd accept her. This is getting too frustrating. This morning, I felt soooo bad and wrong after giving her up. It didn't exactly get any better after that.

I stared, moped and whined today. She said that since I did get Bailey, she'd buy me lots of stuff... Being the obsessive shopper that I am, I was sooooo excited. He told me he'd get me a new laptop coz of Bailey. And he'd "get me a ride" everytime we had our break.

Then I computed how much Bailey was gonna cost me. The first year alone would cost me four years in Ateneo. Which, I apparently screwed up. I was sooo sure that I'd go for Bailey.

Plus, I forgot about signing up for the SATs...

I'm sooo mad at myself and at "them" for allowing this to happen. If only I applied two years earlier or even last year, I wouldn't feel so guilty about dropping a cent. God!!!!! It feels as if I'm gonna regret this til God knows when.

I'm supposed to ride on that plane. I'm supposed to wear the stupid pinafores. I'm supposed to do lots of things. Why do I have to be soooo goddamn 'noble' naman kasi????????????? (Okay, if you don't know what I'm talking about, that would sound soooo weird)

Bailey. Dude. Once in a lifetime. I don't even know if I'm ever going to get in again for the college ones. Dammit! This sucks... big time.... Bailey was supposed to be mine!!!!

I reconciled already with the time and friends factors. I was okay with leaving and stuff... But this had to frickin blow up in my effin face..... (Okay, too many feelings there)

During the ACET, I was even soooo laid back and stuff... I didn't care about Merit Scholarship anymore.

I wish I could just magically find **** * ******* bucks in my dresser... then it would be easier...

Now, I think I'm coming across as grumpy and irritated around them. I don't want them to know that they were the ones holding me back. They wouldn't want me to not get Bailey coz of that.

He even told me that if I continued Bailey wherever Bailey was, he'd work and stuff... like really really work just so... Plus... someone else had to have the waterworks pa kasi eh!

I'm gonna regret this decision for the rest of my life.

I know it... I just do.

The hardest part is looking at them and not giving the slightest hint that I stayed coz of them.