Okay... so maybe the crap i wrote before this crap im writing is a little bit harsh. And diabolical even for me. It's just so hard to be in this position and try to act rationally and all that. People tend to NOT cut me slack. I've got a lot of things to do and i don't think people understand that at all. I don't think people understand the gravity of anything at all.
65 days. 65 days and it's all over. My sleepless nights (my NECESSARY and totally RELEVANT sleepless nights) Those hours i spent on the phone canvassing. The gas I wasted looking at places. The trees i killed printing proposals for yearbook publishers. The break times i didn't get to eat. The fact that my knee is killing me coz i'm doing stuff i don't even wanna do- the fact that i'm doing them just to fulfill a duty i made months ago.
Maybe i did kinda bring this upon myself. I could've had a normal life. I could've not aimed for excellence. I could've been a teensy bit more selfish and not "serve" and crap. But that wouldn't be me.
Thanks to you I'm this person. I'm better. I'm stronger. I've grown. Coz of all the discriminating, judging, criticizing and whatever mean and hurtful stuff you threw at me, i know in the future, im gonna be okay.
I'm 16. I shouldn't experience stress at this level. I shouldn't be setting up meetings and what not. I shouldn't be working as if i was on overtime all day. I shouldn't have bags under my eyes. I shouldn't have knee injuries worsen coz of fatigue. I should have a lot more. While you were wasting away your high school days, I was the one in the background making it easier and more fun for you. You say high school is tough. God. Try exchanging roles with me.
You have it easier. You point fingers. I take the blame.
65 days until my misery ends.
65 days until you have to face reality.
When I started the year, I told myself I was with purpose. I tell you now, i have lost sight of that purpose. I hate what i'm doing. I hate what i'm feeling. I hate it all. I might even go so far as saying i hate you. You made my life miserable. You, all so carefree and nonchalant about these things. You worrying about your quizzes and all that shiz. Think about me for a change. I had more things to worry than just that. Yeah i had grades to worry about. Plus council meetings, plus events to organize, plus articles to submit, plus papers to edit, plus contacts to call. I'm not asking you to pity me or feel sorry or anything like that. I refuse to be looked down on. I refuse to be weak and helpless. All i wanted was for people to say two words. It never even crossed your minds, i bet to say it. You probably were all to busy about other stuff like hurting my feelings with those little pesky remarks about how it's too this or how it's not all that. There's always something wrong isn't there?
You never really realized that these things wouldn't go wrong if we were a close unit. If we actually did enjoy each other's company. If you do loved your "sisters". After all, you did spend most of your life with them. I just don't get it. How you worry more about where and when than who.
This year i only have 65 days left. 65 days left to hear those two words i've been wanting to hear since the start. Even if only one person told me that i'd be happy that i made something happen. I'd be happy that I wasn't such a failure after all. I want to hear her say THANK YOU.
